Retrieving the space I once had.

Last night, I found myself deleting all your text messages from my inbox and 'energy boosters' folder. For some reason, I felt so much relief doing so. It was like emptying my room, removing all the dirt that once occupied it that made me harder to breathe.


It wasn't easy though. I was given the chance to read them all over again. Made me think twice during the last second. But thinking of what happened, I said to myself, "how stupid of me to believe all these lies? How come I fell for that?"


It was kind of irritating as well. It even came to a point that I was convincing myself that something was really there, behind that sweet messages. But I had to slap myself and face reality. "Hey! During that time he texted this, they're already together! So how come something will happen between the two of you?!"


*sigh*


I suddenly remembered you and him and whatever you may be doing now.


I remembered that night when a friend confirmed to me your relationship.


I remembered how badly I cried on the jeep, on the bus, during our office GA, during lunch and dinner with my dad.


I remembered how happy I was when you called and asked about me.


I remembered how calm I was when you finally came out.
And yet how hurtful it is, still, that night as I get home.


All of these came rushing back into my mind. And everything lingered really bad.


-----------


Last night, I found myself deleting all your text messages from my inbox and 'energy boosters' folder.
And I was happy. I am happy. With finality I can say that I'm halfway there, moving on. Forgetting all about you, all about us. 


More than anything, I was happy because I emptied a portion of my phone's memory. From around 500 messages from my inbox, it's now down to 270. Giving space to more important messages. And maybe reserving that space for somebody else's texts.

Wishes I never asked. But happened.

Was really joking about this but then I realized I was f*cking hurt.


After the performance, I spent my my tequila sunrise, bangenge and frozen margarita drinks thinking about you. It irritates me so much that I have posted an FB status about you, again, something that I swore myself will never do again. I really wanted to cry that time, but I guess tears weren't enough compensation of how hurt I am because of you. 


While the numbness is still there, I did the most wrong thing to do that time: lit up a cigarette. I have not smoked for 2 years now and I believe I already stopped. But because of this whatever hatred I am feeling, I was able to light up a cigarette without thinking twice. That, I hated myself so much.


I wish I never have gone to that videoke night with you.
I wish I did not receive the sweetest messages from you.
I wish I never let this happen, bond with you in LB and really think we had something in between.


I wish I never met you.
I wish I never trusted you.
I wish I am not like this now trying to forget you and erase all the memories that we had.




I wish you were just someone passing through my door, 
which I have nothing to feel to..




I wish I can just erase every bit of memory.
I wish I am not sniffing and wiping tears now as I write this down.

Back to you.

Last Saturday, Dec. 4, I am back to my real world.


We, the Urban Elite (UPLB Street Jazz Alumni) was given the chance to showcase our talent at the World Aids Day celebration at Tomas Morato, Quezon City. 
With how my life is going right now, I can't believe I was able to perform once again in front of a real audience, with the people I love the most - the UPLB Street Jazz Dance Co.


So anyway, we were at the venue at 4:30 pm. We looked for a place to stay (or maybe rest) until before the show. We found Figaro the best place there because of the coffee and the aircon. Haha. Before dressing up, we ran the routine on stage twice (to check our blockings and transitions) and then headed back to our self-proclaimed headquarters at Figaro. From 6-7:30 pm, we put on our clothes and applied make-up and pictured la-la-la..

We waited for our turn and practiced the routine as often as we can. We thought that's just it but our concentration was suddenly moved by the wind when International Singing Sensation Arnel Pineda approved our photo op request. Everyone else zoomed beside Pineda and smiled their best to have a once in a lifetime photo op with him.

Because of it, we were hyped enough and waited again until it's our time to shine.


MOMENT on STAGE: The BEST.


We were at one of the best moments of our lives. Hearing our music and moving along with is was awesome. Our hardwork in the past 2 weeks paid off. We enjoyed the performance very much. It's like I wanted to cry after. For 6 months I was pretending to resist something I know I really can't. With this performance, I can proudly say, I'm back on the dance floor, the only place I know I belong to.


*sigh*


I'm excited for the next performance. And hopefully, this won't stop. Cause I will not, even though the world already did.

Two Firsts.

For the first time, I hated you today. 
I was pissed off, irritated and mad about you being late in our pre-scheduled training. You were absent yesterday and you knew you have to learn everything you missed but you came in 3 hours late today. Actually, I was not the only one who felt that way but everyone else. But the impact on me was different. I was really really mad that I blurted out words that I never thought I would actually say to you. Argh. 


It was really irritating because a lot of people has put so much effort to attend the training as often and as early as they can but you just walked in and out of it. Aaaaghh. Until now I still feel that irritation. I just hope it won't happen next time.


Another first time that happened tonight is one of my closest friends finally coming out. Well, only to me. Hehe. I have been friends with this guy for at least 3 years now. And since then, I knew who and what he is. (What meaning gender preference). But he never confirmed that to me before. Now, since he has a new someone in his life (which happens to be my close friend too), he finally confirmed it to me. 


I'm happy for them, of course. But more than anything, I'm happy because somehow you treat me as someone important to you. Disclosing your relationship is never too easy but you did it for me. So thanks. 

On getting over you..

A while ago, I kind of realized that I'm over of what I felt for you before.
Indication?


Was slightly pissed when you suddenly didn't attend to what is very important right now.
I was pissed because you knew you have to attend. And yet you didn't just because of a "party" you were forced to attend to. Talking about priorities. Or shall I say, you really didn't want to attend.


Anyway, I'm getting better now. I hope this is the last time that I.m blogging about you.
Tss.

Nothing. Period.

Love is blind.


For once, I never believed this line.
How can someone not see what the world has been showing? I guess we cannot call him blind.
Stupid, rather.


After all these years, I have never believed this.
Until this day came that I met you. And I admitted the fact that I have really fallen for you.
And I have denied everything that I was seeing. I have denied what was happening,
I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Always given you. 
I never stopped myself from falling. 


Today, I confirmed it. 
There was nothing.
Nothing between you and me.
As I have always thought about.
And there will never be in the future.
No.
Nothing.
Never.
Period.

Jealous

It was a day of highs and lows. 


But the main focus of my day was seeing you. Yes. I'm excited to see you. 
However, you didn't seem excited enough to see me. Contrary to your texts.


You were more engaged with the fact that I invited our close friend over to join our gathering.


You clung to him all day.
You sat beside him on the bus and during dinner.
You rode on his back like a horse (srsly)
You kept mentioning his name
And tapping his back
And putting your arms around him


And yes, it's a guy. And I'm talking about you, a guy.
I don't wanna say this, or even think about this but,
I think you're skewed.
It is some geometrical term opposite of straight.


So you might ask why I am doing this, or saying this
or ranting about this. 


Alright, alright. 
I guess I don't want to admit it yet but I think I'm starting to like you.
And I think I am jealous.


I can't believe I'm saying this (or rather, writing about this) and you are reading this!!!!!!
Not mad, boy, but please, come clean.
For the sake of everyone else.
Including yourself.

Slowly going back

After the workshop with Groovejackz last Oct. 9, I was able to once again step into the dance floor yesterday, Oct. 23. 

And I can feel that I am slowly going back to my beloved world of dancing.

Yesterday, the UPLB Street Jazz Alumni (we call ourselves Urban Elite) came together to learn a new dance. It was 10 dollar (of singer M.I.A.), choreographed by one of the team's artistic choreographers, Fortune Manaig. It was a girl hip-hop dance and was very intense.

We rented a studio at Burgundy Plaza in Katipunan. Attendees were Noel, Zen, Rej, Charm, Nico, Nian, Xan, Mond, Mariel, Jaspher, myself and Fortune of course.

This was used by the UPLB Street Jazz Competing team during the Skechers 6 Eliminations.

We knew it was a hard one because we've seen it. So I guess everyone mentally and physically prepared oneself.

Nico started with the warm-up to help us heat up our bodies before we stretch off to the dance steps. After 10mins, let's get it on! 

"Hey, hey  hey, hey, uh-oh-oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.."

At the first few counts, we were already soaked with sweat! The dance was so intense that all parts of the body are being used. From the neck to the shoulders to the arms down to the waist and hips, legs and feet. Whew! If we had wings, I guess, we'll be flying during the dance. 

We were halfway through the dance and we took a break. After 15mins, we're back. It was almost 3:45 when we finished the dance. All of us were fulfilled to see ourselves dancing all together in one good rhythm, as one group. 

In an exceptional moment we remembered how we loved dancing. We remembered back in college how much we sacrificed just to satisfy our need to dance. We remembered how we lived with dancing. 

I hope this is not the last time that we'll attend an intense training like this. I hope this is just a start, for everyone to go back to the world we'll love forever - DANCING.

A first. It was great. And I wanna do it again.

For the first time in 5 months, I am back on the dance floor.


Today, I was given the chance to attend a dance workshop from Groove Jackz, one of the fastest arising dance groups in the country. Yes, I know, I am too excited for this when my friend broke the news. Well, she probably knew that I missed dancing a lot that is why she volunteered me for this activity.


I arrived at the dance studio at around 2 pm, and they were just starting with the routine.
So at first I was nervous because one, I have not been dancing for 5 months, and two, It's my very first time to attend a dance workshop in Manila and three, I don't anyone from the class. Yes, the coach is kinda famous but that's it. I mean, I wasn't able to bring anyone with me. 


So the coach started counting in, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 1, 2, 3... 
Okay, okay, here it goes... 5, 6, 7, 8.. and 1, what's that again? Oh my. 5, 6, 7, 8.. again, again.


WAAAAA. I felt like a robot! Where the hell are my muscles? 
Hahah! Well, just for the first few counts.


So generally, it was a hip-hop dance, including a little bit of house (more specific style of hip-hop), but definitely it requires a lot of patience and presence of mind.
However we were constantly reminded to 'perform' and not just execute the steps. I remember Coach Niko saying, "I-feel nyo na sa MOA Concert Grounds kayo sumasayaw, at kayo ang dancers ni Usher" (well, because, it was Usher's song that we're doing).


So everyone tried to enjoy the dance and as well absorb all the steps that is being taught.
Everyone was all ears to everything Coach was saying. Also thanks to the mirror! I was at the back so it was a little bit hard for me but, yeah, I was able to get everything. 


When we were halfway through the routine, I can say I was more loose, and was able to cope. It wasn't enough, I know because there were others in the class that were really great. Maybe because the attend the workshop more more often than I do.

When we finished the routine, we were grouped into three. I was included in the first group. So we did the routine and actually, it looked pretty good. Everyone in the group was able to execute the steps well. Including me, alright. Hahaha!

Two more runs and we're done. Weeee. We're done!

And so for the first time in 5 months, I perspired the way I wanted it to. YES. Seriously. Every time I dance, I perspire a lot and I feel good about it. I felt a lot better after dancing. I felt that a part of my excess baggages came dripping down off of my body with my sweat. I really felt good.

The moment I stepped out of the studio, I was already thinking of when is the next possible time I can attend a workshop. I checked the schedules of the dance studio and I am already planning my next visit. Although everything will still depend on my schedule, I will try my very best to attend another class within the next two weeks. 

It was a very delightful day today. I cannot explain how happy I am I was able to dance again. Seriously, I have been waiting for this day. To be able to see myself in the mirror moving in rhythm with the music that is playing. To see myself sweat because of something I really love to do. To see myself smiling because I achieved something and I am very proud of it. 

Thank you Coach Niko Bolante of Groove Jackz and Brewing Point Dance Studio.

I hope to attend another class the soonest possible time.


Ciao!

It's all about LOVE

In life, one has to STEP UP to every challenge he encounters.
It's not about winning or losing. It's how you fight for it because you want it. It's how you give your heart out. It's about respect to what has God gave you. And it's all about learning every mistake and never doing it again.
It's how you challenge yourself to improve.
It's how you face every bad mouth and still be strong, accept the mistake and move on.
Life is just like a dance.
You have to perspire buckets and buckets to win your prize.
Sometimes you have to sacrifice other things to be able to reach your goal.




It is about how you LOVE it. and what you can do to to achieve what you love.


:)